EXPECTATIONS

300 steps to safety

2012-01-22T01:27:00.001+05:30

My heart was pounding so loud that my feet were doing their own work. Running down a cascade of 300 odd steps to get to safety was not on my agenda of checking out the scenic beauty of Mt. Abu in winter.

Traveling on my own, a single woman has just taken on a whole new meaning for me. I have been fearless so far (if I say so myself), of course according to my family and friends a bit reckless and at times careless about my safety. I have argued and very aggressively put my point forward that why shouldn't I, a single woman be able to go about new places and explore without worry. A point I now rethink very seriously.

So getting back to the 300 odd steps. There's a place in Mt. Abu called Toad Rock, one of the highest points from which you can see the entire town. After asking whether it was safe to go to the top I made my way to the top amid some isolated, forested path, and yes the site at the top was breathtaking. A few families were on the first landing and one was coming down just as I climbed the last 15 steps to see the toad shaped rock.

It was a site, of course along the way many a wayward lover had made an ugly spectacle on the face of the rock with their undying promises of love and their names forever painted on the stone. And the ever unthinking, yet enterprising spirit of India had a little stall at the top selling water and cucumber to visitors. The unthinking bit was for the fact that the man who owned the stall had left his 9 year old son to man it.

A short conversation with the boy and I found out it was the holidays. Of course according to him he got the best seat in the house on top of this beautiful rock and getting some sun on such a cold winter morning was not half bad either. I didn't buy anything because I had my own bottle and wasn't particularly interested in the kaakdi (cucumber). By now I was the only other person on the rock, or so I thought.

From the slightly higher rise near the rock emerged a young guy. He had a camera and looked fairly harmless, so I climbed up and discovered two more men lying face up, apparently "sun-bathing". The sun bathing line came out in gujarati accented tones, of someone who'd had a bit too much to drink (the guy with the camera).

He looked at me particularly greasily and not having spent more than 3 minutes up top, I decided something was amiss. I turned and began the climb down to where I thought the families were on the lower landing. To my utter dismay, they had started heading down and were out of earshot. Behind me, I heard the guy say, "chal, chal, jaa rahi hai, utth jaldi." (come, come, she's going, get up quickly).

I didn't need divine intervention to tell to pick my feet and run. Not run but hop down one treacherous step at a time, no turning back. All the while listening to the closing in sounds of jaldi, jaldi (quickly, quickly). Fight or Flight? I was fleeing. Bundled for the north pole, my clothes were cumbersome, but I'd had the sense to wear my running shoes.

This is wear my heart thudded and all I could think was - nothing. My mind was blank and my body in action. I reached another landing where there was a small temple and a father and his daughters had set up a stall to sell more water and cucumbers. I tell you, the sight of another human (non-threatening) and the knowledge that I had just another 20 more steps down to the main road brought back a semblance of thought.

But neither had the father and his daughter's presence dissuaded the young a*seh*les that were on my tail. The last step, and I breathed again. The chowkidar realised something was wrong, but was too old and frail, so even though I told him what had happened, he could do nothing but stand next to me as the guys realising the main road was not where they could continue their pursuit took off, of course whistling and make lewd comments as they did.

I was angry. I am angry. I have never been afraid of facing or confronting, but the unknown terrain, the fact that there was an isolated, forested area where if anything were to happen, no one would've ever found me or heard me for that matter - I was not taking any chances.

Of course everyone I shared this with told me, what they'd told me earlier - don't be silly, why did you go alone etc. etc. in all of this one person, only one person (a colleague and friend) listened to me. He turned around and said, you should be careful, but I understand this will not be your last journey and definitely not the last one on your own - you need to be armed. He bought me a switchblade as a gift the very next day.

Now I know that there are people out there whom I may not be able to confront, I guess that's what being human is all about - acknowledging I am not indestructible, but the fact that of all the people who care about me, only one thought of helping me be better equipped, God forbid I am ever in such a situation... Just makes you think. It made me think and I am grateful that I have a friend like him who understands that I will not curtail my independence because of the incident (I will be more careful), but his gesture has made me realise - I should be better armed, equipped.

What do you think? Judo?

All Grown Up and So Much To Do

2012-01-19T16:47:00.000+05:30

The last time I wrote something, things had gone topsy turvy. They still are that way, but for some reason it doesnt upset me as much. I think I'm a bit hardened to the topsy turvyness of it all.

What I did do was start my year out with some very-completely-not-me decisions and I actually followed through on them. ( if that's what feeling liberated is....I like it!)

I now feel like an adult.

Making decisions and owning them, being able to say I made a mistake and understanding if forgiveness doesn't come immediately. Accepting a compliment with a little ego boost, but not an inflated image of my self (*wink wink* R). Trying completely atrocious things, especially by social standards, challenging the norm. Not letting the "should've done this by now" define my entire existence and the happiness that comes from not having done any of the "should haves".

The horoscopes are out the window this year - nothing but I/me, is going to determine whether my day/week/month/year will be whatever it should be. No Tarot either.

Work will not become my existence. I intend to travel and see places I haven't before and meet people I have never met.

I feel like everything's just begun.

2011-12-10T21:18:00.001+05:30

I think about black and white very often. I am grey. I don't like grey. It makes life so much more confusing sometimes. I am learning that being black and white more often is a better deal.

I recently moved into the black and white mode and life somehow simplified itself out.

And then in one swift move, I went back to grey and my head is muddled beyond all recognition.

I hate grey.

For the Seadragon

2011-11-20T23:07:00.001+05:30

We'll always have "frakie cheeps".

I miss you already.

You're going away to FK and I wish you were not going and that too so far away.

I already miss our evening runs, our balcony time, our gossip tidbits, our mindless staring into space, our Ho! calls, our random spontaneous parties, our funky dances, christmas shopping, any shopping, coconut water time, the traditionals, movie nights/mornings/afternoons, sunday mornings (where you run off before the Phat one or I could crack an eye open), the turbans, the chai-sutta post work, the CCD, the songs, the random scenarios we played out without a pause in breath, our photo sessions, our talk of aliens and UFOs, the WoWs, the GoG talk, the jaunts into the unknown parts of this city, gol-gappas, the beauty treatments, the hair massage chains, the haircuts, the skin tips, the health tips, the movie trivia, the everything else trivia, the den times, the hand made books, the plans that never came to fruition, the talk of the plans that never came to fruition, the office b*tching, the colleague b*tching, the office pick up point...

I dont want you to go, but wherever you are I wish you the happiest of times.

And I will see you and the ferryman soon.

XOXO

jumble grumble grumble

2011-11-15T00:14:00.001+05:30

Its like a pattern - marriages, funerals and births just come together, in the same span of time, always one after the other, always in quick succession. Its like you're being torn into extremes of joy and sorrow. Its like the universe is trying to balance out some unseen imbalance.

Its probably the most severe form of torture the human mind can go through. These are moments that either make you stronger or break you completely. I guess this is where adapting comes in. But I think that in the process of adapting we lose a little of the innocence, excitement, joy of life and living it. Cynicism creeps in slowly, taking over whatever little fighting chance we may have to live life to the fullest.

I am in deep, deep thought. I've just come back from a wedding, and a friend lost his father on the same day and somewhere someone's had a little new life come into theirs.

Everywhere relationships are changing and the year's not over yet.

I don't like the concept of one year. It limits the mind, almost giving us a reason to confine ourselves, our achievements, to 365 days, when the average human may live to 60 years.

As you can see, I'm not in the best of moods. My mind's so cluttered right now. I feel that if I keep typing somewhere I'll get some space.

But exhaustion is a good thing and i am exhausted. I feel like I've not stopped moving for the past month. I've been in a constant state of motion.

I want it to stop just for a day. Just one day.

Isolation, is not good for me

2011-11-06T00:56:00.000+05:30

In a place I've begun to accept as home, I feel more alone than ever. All my people are moving away. Moving on.
Does living in one place mean you're stuck?
I am not the most outgoing person and I dread that the moving away of one more person I connect with without any formality, any superficiality, any barriers - will change me forever.

Soul Time

2011-10-28T12:54:00.000+05:30

Its been the longest time since I took a vacation where I didn't have to run somewhere, where all I have to do is wake up and enjoy my day as and how I'd like it.

Its good for my soul!

2011-10-22T01:34:00.001+05:30

When did it become about work, what people think, whether they care about you or not, where you stand socially, have you reached closer to the set standard, whether the partner in your life wants to be with you or not - when did it became about everyone else?

I suddenly feel I don't know who that 18 year old girl was - so much life, such a way of connecting with people, an unending positivity that annoyed most of her friends. There was an ease with which she viewed situations - not always the most realistic person in the room, but a spirit that didn't dim with problems, a 100 watt smile that reached her eyes every time.

She didn't really care about what people thought about her and her choices, she did things that made her happy. She didn't have to say she was happy, she looked it. Her confidence wasn't aggressive. She knew there was more to life and wasn't afraid to try the untested.

She knew what it was to fall in love and love fully, no fear, risking it all!

Ah...to be young and clueless!

I miss her.

Delhi Mêlée

2011-10-15T15:04:00.000+05:30

How do I fall in love with a city?

Delhi.

It was the stop over on my trips to school and back and while with dad, it was fun. But then I've been robbed in Delhi, felt up, leered at and so following most of these experiences, it was on my list of cities I am most uncomfortable in. The fact that unless you had a car, or could afford a taxi to make sure your after 8 jaunts were not going to end up hunting down an auto or having to put yourself in buses filled with drunk, lecherous men added to those woes.

Recently, I've started going to Delhi more often, mostly on work and a friend took me on my first metro ride. It was the beginning of melting an unease that I'd felt whenever I'd visit.

Getting around without the fear that I'll be accosted by some creepy man/men in the evening shade, makes it a lot more enjoyable. Of course having friends in the city who make the time for me whenever I'm down and being able to walk around with them, learning a little more each time, has melted my discomfort to quite an extent!

I love google maps, they are a godsend and this time I used them to explore places on foot. Delhi has the trees and the footpaths and walking around anonymous like a curious visitor is so much more fun.

So for me, the lonely traveller - transport and technology are the reasons I am beginning to put aside my fears and explore the unknown, a bit scary, crowded, noisy, hob-nobbing, constantly up to something city that is Delhi.

Moody Blues

2011-10-11T19:49:00.002+05:30

Is it me, or did men just get moodier than women.

I mean women have some serious hormonal reasons that affect our responses, what's their reason?

Apparently physiology has a lot to do with it, for them too.

I've been meeting some really moody men lately. A little asking, a little reading says - that as men get older (middle aged men is where it starts) there's a reduction in the testosterone levels, which affects their moods. Of course, its not all that simple, but I guess the next time I'm blaming my PMS for my mood swings, I'm going to probably give the guy the same benefit of doubt...

So to all middle-aged, moody, men and women - exercise supposedly helps keeps things balanced! Try it :)

(Just writing about middle aged anything is getting me down. I guess its to the yoga mat for me)

Persuasion

2011-10-08T11:52:00.002+05:30

Make me smile, laugh, grin, giggle and guffaw.

Make me want the pleasure, that is your company

Make me feel like if there were no tomorrow, I'd be happiest that today was with you.

Make me think of positive endings and better days to come.

The last thing you want to make me do is feel bad that I expect all this from you.

Iced

2011-10-01T19:44:00.002+05:30

I was recently called an Ice Princess, by someone who does not know me very well.

It didn't hurt my feelings, I didn't go into a shell, I felt nothing really. I've heard it before, I've probably been called worse.

I am not really open to new people. I have reservations that make the Indian railways look mild in comparison. My conversion to RAC and confirmed are as few and far as can be.

I share a lot, but try getting close and I bite, or like this person said - freeze. My brain thinks 100% overtime. Relaxing is difficult for me.

Sigh. Someday I'll melt into that puddle, I guess someone who'll have enough patience and carries around enough salt (FYI salt helps melt ice faster).

2011-09-30T17:02:00.001+05:30

Currently got my tush on a fence and getting comfortably numb on it.

This grey area has been my hiding space for the past so many months. Everyone on the outside seems to know the outcome, I cant agree, something's holding me back.

Pheromonal

2011-09-23T13:51:00.000+05:30

What's all this talk of marriage? Every year, my mum gets into a tizzy about me marrying, the right time, the right guy,and that biological clock ticking looms larger than ever.

And now November looms large, 4 weddings and I dont know if its the effect of that but, I suddenly dream up possible grooms, everyone looking as eligible as the next - Matt Damon's there in somewhere! Oh yes, celebrity fantasies are not out of reach!! There goes my Cinderella story, with Bella (my dog) cozying up to me in the wee hours of the morning.

I'm currently pegging it on all the talk of marriage around me. Its like married people send out these "get hitched" pheromones. Their questions are about your future, their talk is about theirs and how things are changing - the excitement, the doubt, the uncertainty, the joy.

Over and above that many of my married friends are having babies. Their pheromones - let's not go there...
There's a stirring in my soul and the sound of a baby makes me imagine baby bumps, back pains and that supposed glow with the thought of ten little fingers and toes and that smell of babies that is absolutely....!!!

See what I mean? All these pheromones are driving me absolutely nuts, especially when I tell myself that at this time I've priorities other than these.

I hate doing the Limbo

2011-09-08T00:18:00.003+05:30

Limbo is not for me and yet I've been stuck in this vortex. I need to grab a hold of something solid and stop spinning in circles.

Deep breaths. That's all it takes. Calm.

Here goes.

Ro-man-tic

2011-09-02T13:47:00.002+05:30

I am craving some romance...

The most romantic thought I currently have in my head is a dimly lit room, the blues or jazz playing in the background and me and my man slow dancing.

Even thinking of it brings a big smile to my face.

I love dancing!

*sigh*

Study: Men

2011-08-25T21:03:00.002+05:30

Based on countless hours of observation, conversation, analyses with a control and experimental group... I deduce that men.

Like to be vague.

uhuhuhhuhuh... tantrum-ish

2011-08-20T16:18:00.003+05:30

You know when its over.

There is the sudden blinding realisation (am wondering why all realisations are sudden, or blinding for that matter) that all this time you were pretending that there was a 50:50, there was a give and take, there was, there was...

There wasn't.

Of course the mind is not too happy about these sudden, life altering decisions that will be needed to be made. It is happy in the knowledge that things have a rhythm, putting very little stress on it.

I am going to be over-stressing it soon enough.

This is what people call change. Change is stressful, makes me teary eyed, over emotional and a geek listening to songs of the 80s, whilst singing along in a bathroom singer's voice, simultaneously contorting my face into various gradients, contours, textures, basically faces that scare me when I look in the mirror.

This is what change does too. Makes you try desperately to squeeze the humour out of a largely difficult, bland, unfunny situation. Because doesn't everybody want to say, "I'll look back on these years and laugh about it." Some things will never be that funny.

Anyways, back to the deep-ish thinking, making slow guttural sounds that mimic crying and looking like the world just caved in on me.

Islander

2011-08-13T00:05:00.005+05:30

I've always pondered long and hard when asked the, what would you do if you were stuck on a deserted island. This is what I think.

IF I were currently living on an island where there are coconut trees, miles of ocean all around and just me. I've probably not thought of what are the three things that I would've liked to have with me, so I have none of them. I don't have a sexy pirate who's somehow landed up with me, or who's hidden the rum and I can't fish. I'm not a fashionista who can probably russle up a perfectly "islandish" outfit and make it look good.

I am happy getting a tan, I can swim but the depths of the ocean are scary and walking about a deserted island is quite my idea of exercise, adventure and hopefully finding hidden rum (yes I like rum).

I don't think I'd be too excited about the night, the mosquitoes, the no shelter bit - of course I'm rumored to have the ability to sleep almost anywhere (this might come handy).

I'm still a bit worried about food. I am not really sure I know what berries one can eat and one cant. Berries, because you always read about these berries on these islands. There should be bananas shouldn't there? But then I read somewhere eating bananas attracts more mosquitoes. Oh the Horrors!!

And in this line of thought what if there is an unknown tribe inhabiting the island and it is not really deserted, worse still, what if they are cannibalistic?

No happy thought there.

Silly, horrific, hypothetical questions...

2011-08-12T19:31:00.003+05:30

Anger can be deeply inspiring for tragedy and melodrama, but inspiring nonetheless.

2011-07-30T12:54:00.002+05:30

I'm having one of those days when you feel like you're missing out in life and its all because you've closed your mind to the possibilities.

The uneasy traveller

2011-06-29T13:51:00.006+05:30

My recent trip to Mt. Abu was brilliant. The weather was perfect, misty, cool... The rains were yet to show themselves, and I like it just that way. I am invited as a guest lecturer for some trainings and most often after I'm done - I join the other trainers (mostly over 50 years) and do some sightseeing.

This trip almost turned out to be another touristy trip to temples (not that those aren't fun every now and then). This time I was keen on seeing Guru Shikhar and Achalgarh and theothers were keen on Dilwara, which I had seen the last time around. I have made trips on my own and explored unknown roads in unknown places, but in recent times these explorations have been few and far in between. An unknown resistance (I blame it all on adulthood;)).

This time, putting all my inhibitions out of mind. I jumped out of the car resolutely at Dilwara and said, you guys go ahead - I'll find my own way around. In all honesty, I had no clue how to get there ;)

The best way to get around, now I know is ask the local dhaba owner he'll know someone, who knows someone. Or he'll tell you exactly where to go to. I mean given that he's probably stood in the same spot for some years making food and watching the same cars go by with the same drivers, he was my best bet.

Finally with a jeep that would take me and me alone, Bhartat Lal, my jeep driver with his toothy grin, slightly eerie face, extreme non-stop talking and no doors to his jeep was my company there and back. We stopped along the way to pick up local tariffs to the in-between villages and slowly my resistance and fear was gone and I wanted to explore, with no deadline, no one else to worry about and no work on my mind, I did.

Guru Shikhar was windy, but beautiful. There's something ethereal about a bell being the highest point, as though the makers decided not to keep anything between our prayers and the Gods that may be. I tried talking to the priest of the temple to get an idea about its history all he said was, "I'm sent here for a year. I sit in this little temple for a year and then next year someone else will replace me." Tapasya, penance or punishment? (is what I thought).

Moving forward from Guru Shikhar all the way down to the flat lands of Achalgarh, on the way Bollywood had to make it's presence felt, with the famous movie QSQT . The spot where the last scene was shot - the famous lovers dying together scene. Ofcourse its a flat rock! The view from it is fantastic, but that's about it. Its a rock. There is nothing to remember the scene by, so really it was a lot of Rock!

Achalgarh turned out to be the best part of my trip. I met Vasundhara - a 12 year old spunky little girl, with attitude, a mouth that can prattle of dates and times like it were the alphabet. She was my guide to the 3 km radius of Achalgarh's site seeing. The temple, the Mandakini Kund, and the ruins of a palace where apparently the queens went stark, raving, mad.

Some children in Achalgarh are quite enterprising, they've stood around enough trained guides and learned the history of the place, which they prattle off and take you around for a miniscule fee of Rs. 10 or whatever you choose to give them over and above that. This is something they do to earn a bit extra money for the family and themselves.

The last pic is of Vasundhara and Aakash who made my trip so much more enjoyable. All trips are most memorable when you've been able to connect with people.

Chop chop

2011-06-17T10:52:00.006+05:30

It is quite annoying when all of the world is screaming "plant trees! plant trees!" and my absolutely brain dead, silly, stoopid neighbours decide to cut down a beautiful wild badam tree in my backyard. And that too, without informing us, or even taking our consent!!!!

Normally they want to chop off a few branches that start poking through their window. This time the jerks literally chopped off 90% of the tree and surprisingly with little sound, so it wasn't until we heard a loud thud that I ran out to check. The damage was done, but the more exciting part was that we actually called the municipality, lodged a complaint and they did come and, took pictures, details of the neighbour who'd called the wood cutters. kudos to the local administration, somethings actually work.

When I went to the back to survey the damage, my heart broke to see so many huge branches and a part of the trunk brutally chopped and amidst the dying leaves and branches I saw a huge nest. My heart sank a bit further, a tree will grow back

, but small little birdies or eggs - gone! It was a crow's nest! It was beautifully crafted with twigs, threads and wire!!! yes, wire!

The worst part is, they got the tree cut just to harass us, because this was not the tree that touched anyone's window. This badam stood taller than our 3 storey apartment building, with a huge crown that offered shade on the sunny terrace.

What I think pinches a lot more is that it was the tree my father had planted.

EEEEks for Expectations

2011-06-16T13:27:00.003+05:30

I enjoy the little lessons I learn about myself and actually how strong, adaptable and different I am and can be (sounds so vain, I know, but its just how I feel!!)

I've tried it all, done it almost - very high expectations, very low expectations, almost no expectations and no expectations!

My very latest has been in the "almost no expectations" category. What do you do when you meet someone who is the antithesis of you and all that you want is exactly what this person doesn't?

You first you say, let me try, then the trying seems to be working and the differences start seeming more complimentary. Let me point out here, this is when you come to you move from "no expectations" to "almost no expectations" (or so you tell yourself and him). I know we're so different, but maybe, just maybe... STOP RIGHT THERE.

Because as you're arriving at a hopeful, tiny, sliver of shining light amidst the dark hole of going nowhere, he has arrived at - Oh shi* this seems to be working!! RUN!!

Here you're left wondering - why the hell don't people want to try something different from what they know and have planned and, and, and...

For me, this is probably the first time I've moved out of a comfort zone of what I want and have imagined to (as a friend once put it) floating like a leaf on the river of life (or it goes the other way). But the point is that just because I managed to start trying the unplanned, the unexplored, the unexplained- it didn't mean that my antithesis had to start at the same time. It took me years just to let go, to be open.

But timing is everything, its when two times collide and merge that relationships have a chance. The question is do I want to give it time? Do I have the time to give it? To give him?

I think I'm in a time warp where the "absolutely no expectations whatsoever" category rules. How long will it last? Hard to say, but I know not for an eternity.

A little perspective.. that's all

2011-05-29T01:22:00.006+05:30

Sometimes its about getting perspective and a long, long, long drive into the unknown with some awesome music in the middle of the night with friends can do just that.

The car eating up the miles, the person in the driver's seat with no clue to where we're headed, but determined to find an unknown road leading to somewhere - in this case an eerie looking ashram with a public toilet nearby with an advertisement for "the biggest showroom" for something or the other.

Then we stop in the middle of nowhere and get out to just stand under the stars with a smoke. The randomness of it all and yet there we were enjoying the sight of a neem tree in the wind, a smoke and wishing for chai.

This past week has been hard. I dont know if empty is a feeling, but I've felt that way.

But I know, I'm not afraid of picking myself up and moving ahead. It's about getting a little perspective.... its my here and now. And here and now - I'm looking forward to everything else to come.

2011-05-21T08:50:00.002+05:30

From today I am going to relearn the single life, over the past 7 months I'd slowly eased myself out of it. Yesterday with a single selfish, self-absorbed sentence, I returned to what was true and real and the relationships that actually are two-way.

From the Gyaanis

2011-05-18T23:23:00.003+05:30

Sometimes my friends are really, really smart and give the best gyaan! (there's a link below for some reason it shows when you put the cursor over it!!!)

http://absolutgyaan.blogspot.com/2008/09/next-exit-27-miles.html

and on and on...?

2011-05-11T15:49:00.003+05:30

What is it about any relationship that keeps it going?

Its the conversation, the ability to speak your mind about anything, everything and sometimes nothing - just a random ramble, grumble, shout, confrontation. Just get everything off your mind, leaving you feeling lighter... with more space to appreciate the other person, the time you have with them, the companionship.

Its about the random hug you get, or the ease with which you can ask for a hug and get one - no questions asked.

The voice of joy in your happiness, the voice of concern, support, encouragement when you're feeling blue, the voice of reason in your irrationality, the voice of complete madness when you're walking like a square.

Its about the little moments shared, the private jokes, the singularly spectacular "wow" moments, the deep ones, the fickle/naughty/ones, the ones with others around, the ones where you're all alone and there's just the big ole moon shining down

But somewhere I think its the plodding along, moving, making that effort everyday to talk, to share, to understand, to compromise, to do something for the other person.

Everything has to move - your thoughts, your words, your actions... otherwise its a dead end.

Push

2011-04-30T11:44:00.000+05:30

Without my friends I'd be a reclusive couch potato who likes her vices, tv, an ocassional good book and no tan!

Women's Wit Calendar 2010 - on life, love and anything else

2011-04-22T01:50:00.005+05:30

Men know they are sexual exiles. They wander the earth seeking satisfaction , craving and despising, never content. There is nothing in that anguished motion for women to envy.

- Camille Pagila

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but he might strangle you with his panic.

- Anais Nin

A good listener is not someone with nothing to say. A good listener, is someone with a sore throat.

- Katherine Whitehorn

Know when to tune out. If you listen to too much advice you may wind up making other people's mistakes.

- Ann Landers

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor and be kind. Its the same qualities I require from a man.

- Catherine Deneuve

Uninvited

2011-04-20T23:44:00.003+05:30

The feeling of being excluded is possibly one of the lowest feelings in the world. We humans cannot deal with being left out, we crave for the belongingness, the knowledge that you are wanted. And no matter how much of an adult you think you've become, how mature and how nonchalant you imagine yourself to be. That feeling of being excluded - hurts.

Snap shots

2011-04-15T10:58:00.002+05:30

I like pictures. They tell me a story, a memory...

I love videos even more.

I don't believe that these are for those who can't remember (George Clooney, Up in the Air).

I think these are for people who have the ability or choose to remove all that excess baggage from their minds and keep it aside. It's for those who know that they don't need to be re-living their past, but their past does make up a part of them and many times that part has happy memories, thoughts, moments - ones they can't relive, but ones that definitely make them smile.

I like pictures. I have tons of them. I take tons of them. Of course when it comes to the sharing them with others part, I am not yet there....

The incestuousness of it all

2011-04-12T13:59:00.003+05:30

Insufferable connectedness. That's what sometimes winds around me so tight that I wonder why didn't I see this pattern emerging. How did everyone happen to know everyone else and why do I want to know the everyone who know everyone else?

Ugh!

So far, I happily existed aware of all the connected dots, but not really giving them too much credence. Now, its in my face - staring at me. This is what it is to be too connected. I like a bit of anonymity, maybe that is why I like a city like Mumbai more than this place. Here everyone's up in your face, they know you talk about you, make up gossip about you and then pass it on. And in a city like this word gets around faster than a virus.

When I moved back here after my studies, it used to give me headaches. I longed to do things without the "Eagle- eye -supposedly- friendly- spy- at- any- nook- and- crany". I mean, I would hear about things I'd never done, and most often I'd hear them last. Too late to defend myself, too late to bother. My life and its going ons have entertained many a gossip monger and in many ways the imagined outrageousness of my life entertained me and my friends many a cold night too.

Then, I used to toss and worry and cry. Now, I roll my eyes at the absolutely uncontrollable nature of these thin glass walls and I sleep like a log.

Soul tunes

2011-04-02T12:55:00.002+05:30

There is this ancient cassette of my mother's that I have. It's of Crystal Gayle and its my go to cassette when I'm feeling blue, happy, quiet - its my all mood music. There's something that a cassette has that a CD doesn't have... i dont know what it is.. its probably growing up with cassettes that makes me feel that way. She's got a song for every feeling and the one I'm listening to now is....

Take it easy,

lovin' me

Don't start thinking I'm someone that I'll never be

Just need me,

as much as need be.

Take it easy,

Lovin' me.

Within touching distance

2011-03-31T10:35:00.004+05:30

I had a plan. My life was worked out by the time I was 21 and then it all fell by the wayside. At 28, nothing of what I'd planned has happened (not that I'm complaining), but by and by I realised that life happens to us. No matter how clearly outlined your plans, there'll always be that spanner in the wheel, or the fork in the road.

Its not the blueprint you imagined it to be, or its probably the blueprint turned upside down and that's what's exciting - keeping yourself open to the newness of what might happen to you. A new experience, giving into that high. Experiencing joy and happiness as they come, while they are in reach. Not waiting for them, planning for them, but making the most of them while they are around.

Sometimes things you never thought possible for/of yourself are right within touching distance....

and then you hesitate. Hold back because this wasn't what you'd expected and it surely couldn't be happening to you... and isn't it not a bit too perfect???.... and what about my blueprint???

And while you're busy trying to figure out these questions the possibility slowly moves away, distancing itself from your life. Gone.

A wisp of smoke, a summer breeze that now floats in another direction.

And maybe you're left with the memory of it, and maybe you carry on not giving it another thought and maybe, just maybe if you'd tried it out - you would know.

I no longer have a blueprint and it's scary and it's uncertain, but I know happiness when I see it and I know when to hold on to it.

2011-03-29T14:44:00.001+05:30

Is this what I really want

Is this where I want to be

mis-management guru

2011-03-21T18:50:00.005+05:30

This past month has encompassed one of the proudest moments of my life, while at the same time teaching me a very harsh reality. By nature, I trust people - I believe that people mean what they say and say what they mean.

It's taken me one very long, hard working year to understand - be careful of whom you trust!

Some business/professional/working rules, if you stick to, you wont get screwed (or at least the possibility of being screwed will be tremendously reduced)....

1. Without the proper documentation, don't do the work

2. Respect is all fine and dandy - but trust no one

3. Words like integrity, hard work, sincerity mean different things to different people. Don't assume your values are those what others outwardly agree, with no follow through on actions

4. If you've done the work - don't be afraid of sticking up for yourself.

5. Realise that when the shi* hits the fan - its everyone for themselves. Operate that way, before the shi* hits the fan.

6. If you are new in the working world, read as many people's advice, especially those who've grown cynical - they are the true gurus of "1000 things to do to avoid being screwed".

7. Cynicism is good - it is the guide to self preservation.

and the last one... if you ever become boss, remember screwing with those who work with you/for you is bad, bad karma...coz everyone works for someone.

Ms.trusting

2011-03-15T12:41:00.004+05:30

Being nice doesn't get you anywhere. I'm learning the hard way. Don't expect people to be nice to you, especially in the workplace. (no matter where it is)

Its a dog-eat-dog world and if you don't have the attitude of a bull terrier, you're going to get screwed.

2011-03-05T13:48:00.001+05:30

When there are crazy days...

I miss the lazy days.

and vice versa....!

KAboom

2011-02-25T15:54:00.002+05:30

my head's going to explode....

A few months ago I was asked (more like I was the last resort) to under take a task, that I'd always deemed fit only for adults. When it was handed to me - I realised, isnt that what I am now? Didnt feel so. Feel like a teenager, awkward, gawky, asking ridiculous questions about everything, looking like I'd been shot in the forehead with a rubber arrow.

But it was my first time dealing with that kind of a situation and after that I realised - as adults you're just given that first time to be silly, ask a million questions and say - I dont know. The second time around, you better get your act together and act like one - an adult!

How do we do it?

I repeat..

My head's about to explode.!!!!

Appraised!

2011-02-18T20:52:00.002+05:30

I tell you when it rains it pours.

I'm being assessed for my performance at work tomorrow and about time!!! And while I sit and look back over the one year where my life (and by this I refer to my professional one) was turned upside down. I was promoted. I experienced a lot of a lot and stressed even more.

But that's not the pouring I am talking about. This appraisal is a light summer shower compared to the other storm of an appraisal I had to put my self through. Sometimes, some things you thought fundamentally were a part of your DNA turn out to be well, adjustable. Yes, I am being vague because God knows I am not pouring my life saga out here (well almost not).

Like I mentioned, my life and its style is anything but conventional (according to Indian standards). And well, I've always wanted a part of that conventionality. All things lil' girls dream of. But then you get asked a question that says - is this really what you are fundamentally all about? Sugar and Spice and all things nice?

And while somewhere, (never saying never) there may be a touch of conventionality that I might be destined for or may suddenly get an overwhelming craving for. At this point of time I am blissfully happy in all things alternate, strange, left of centre and without definition.

How's that for a life appraisal.

Contemplating Convention

2011-02-18T11:12:00.005+05:30

I don't trust, easily. I cant. Its been a slow process of breaking down my faith and belief that there is something pure out there. In all of that, I have emerged with bullet proof walls, a highly suspicious mind, but most of all a surety of who I am.

Amongst all of that I am challenged by conventional norms, dreams that were dreamed based on them being tested to the very limits. And yet nothing about me or my life is conventional.

There is a want to fit in, somewhere. But I don't feel the need to.

2011-02-15T10:50:00.002+05:30

You know how some days you wake up and you're bored with your life. You want excitement, passion, surprise...

... and just then you speak to a friend, well who has all of those happening and more and you wish you had their life.

... and then you sit and type out such a post and realise its just one day, its just a passing feeling, you are blessed with so much.

or maybe you just have too much work to get done and you're being lazy, and so you choose the ruse of the boring life!

Wow, I am so bored - have too much free time to think.

Help!!!!

Friendly advice

2011-02-09T15:00:00.003+05:30

The worst time to try and do something for your *better half is when you're PMSing. Because no matter what the reaction - you're going to cry, over think it, or be touchy about it, or maybe worse yet all of the aforementioned.

Save all the little surprises (whether he/she likes them or not), all the small/big gestures for a time when you have all your wits about you. When you wont feel any extreme negative reaction - anger, hurt, sad.

Also, men DO NOT understand PMSing at all. Some pretend to, but really they don't. They think you're throwing a tantrum and why cant you just be your bubbly self?? Don't bother trying to explain it.

*better half here is assumed for only the period in question. Because when PMSing, anyone is better off than the afflicted.

Diplomatic me

2011-02-09T02:27:00.002+05:30

Being able to say exactly whats on my mind, used to be a strength of mine.

Now, its disclaimers, polite rebuttals (if there's anything like that) and long pauses before replies.

Its like my brain's jammed with too many unsaid things and they're all bumping into each other, confusing me even more. Some are lost in the fray, others are just pushing each other to get into line to be put out there.

The sponge that is my brain's reaching maximum saturation.

Red Alert! Red Alert! Evacuation Now!!!!

There's the kumbh ka mela in my head and there's no booth for the lost and found, or Information.

2011-02-07T13:28:00.003+05:30

It's a dog-eat-dog world and i'm the Chihuahua!

... in training to become a rotweiller...

2011-02-04T12:08:00.000+05:30

Is there a book on Self-Preservation for Dummies?

ho hum ho hum!

2011-02-04T10:39:00.002+05:30

Have you ever sat across from someone with a sense of vague familiarity and not a clear thought in your head about where you know them from, or how.

Worse still is when they know exactly who you are and how they know you.

Awkward!

Well then there is that following moment, where you ask them Don't I know you from somewhere? (not a line, an honest to God curiosity)

Awkward!

What probably tops the mudpie is that it wasn't an acquaintance that ended too well.

Sheepish grin... Embarrassed.. you wish you'd kept your polite curiosity to yourself!!!

2011-01-31T10:16:00.001+05:30

Its the imagination of a woman that puts more stress on her than the consequences of any action.

Consequences, she can deal with!

Waking up

2011-01-26T17:52:00.003+05:30

Somewhere along the way I let go of what I wanted. Became adjusting to the wants of others around me. Then slowly I forgot what it was that I wanted. I was living everyone else's life except the one I wanted.

But sometimes the moment you are going to cross that line into oblivion, something pulls you back and whatever that something is - I am glad the little voice woke up.

Now, I am rewriting what I want. It's the how I'm going to get it, is the tricky part. But hell's bells and brinjals I am going to get there!!

2011-01-15T11:16:00.000+05:30

Can my smile get any broader?

2011-01-11T11:34:00.001+05:30

Got this funny feeling. Its like a yo-yo bouncing around my head.

Mr. Gaughan's gone

2011-01-10T12:24:00.003+05:30

I dont know how many numbers I have stored in my phone. Off the 100s there are probably 30 that I regularly keep in touch with, some of whom I talk to practically everyday.

Today I have to delete one of those permanently. Its a simple task, or so it seems.

Saying goodbye to my uncle Leon. No one I know, has lived life to the fullest like he did

laughed like he did, had awful taste in home furnishings like he did, danced like he did, drove around the country in his "fronty" like he did, had a sense of humour to the very end like he did, had a music collection like he did, flirted outrageously like he did, made friends like he did, smoked and drank like he did, loved like he did.

Surprise me 2011 - what you got...

2010-12-31T11:23:00.005+05:30

My last New Year, was a quiet one. I sat with a glass(s) of wine, listened to some music, watched a movie, made a flurry of phone calls and wrote a long list of resolutions.

And...

If ever there was a year that I felt like I'd put as many minutes of my day to some use. This was it.

It started out with an unexpected career bump, a wedding, missing my first train ever....

Times were changing...

More friends married and moved away

More friends were having babies

Basically 2010 marked the next stage in life and with it...

fewer parties, more workaholics and more unimplemented plans.

For me, it was a year of constant surprises, a lot of grumbling about the growing up and becoming an adult bit and learning more about the "letting go" aspect of things.

None of these are a smidgen of what were in my resolutions. That list lies uncrossed, unchecked, untouched.

So as I sit down to think of what I would like in 2011 - all I can think of is .. oh well as of now nothing. Let the show begin!

Looking forward to the Happiest New Year yet.

2010-12-29T11:09:00.002+05:30

You were my coach, mentor, fan, critic, support, hugmeister, backbone, dueler, conscience, and so much more. I wish I can be the same someday.

Ate, Prayed, yet to travel

2010-12-28T13:12:00.002+05:30

Sitting down to watch the move EPL, was well exciting for the first half hour while we oohed and aahd our way through the good food and Italy, the pray part was at best dismal and the love part overdone (except Javier Bardem ;))

Going through all those scenic changes, cultures I wonder when the adventure I've always dreamed off will begin. A conversation with the same friend while she's off on one such adventure triggers the deep, primal longing to be out there in the open spaces. Not behind a laptop listening to Dvorak and Bach and imagining exotic destinations with drama, tragedy, comedy, thrillers - adventures all encompassing.

Seeing all the places I want to be in my head - Venice, Rome, the cliffs of Dover, Bali, Hawaii, Brasilia, Finland, Turkey, New Zealand, Madagascar.... just make this desire stronger. The nomad in me once awakened, I wonder if a steady job will hold me still.

hot-cold-hot-cold

2010-12-14T14:41:00.003+05:30

Don't people get tired of doing that?

One day you're the cat's whiskers, the next you're poo!

I guess it stems from the uncertainty of what they want, what they like, what they don't like and the inability to just say it, like it is.

Reacting to the hot with excitement and passion and a renewed zest, for all things renewed and feeling the cold shoulder a bit biting when it came around. I've swung between the two, a bit too much!

I don't feel so much like Tarzan, as I do George of the Jungle...!! Constant tweety birds, around my confused, mushed brain.

But my 'Aha' moment was long overdue and when did it happen?? A cold, drunken night (these can bring a lot of clarity), when I danced to urban jungle tunes with a crazy lady in a turban (this is all true...maybe a bit hyperbolic, but true, especially the turban;))

Anyways, when faced with another such hot-cold-hot-cold moment, I didn't swing. I stopped almost mid air and let go. It was a cushioned landing of course! I couldn't be happier. I refused to swing to the tunes of those loones. Then it happened again, and again, I was of stable mind and clear of vision!!!

What can I say - A monk, a cold night, some trance like music, some crazy knee-killing dance can bring more clarity than years of introspection!

2010-12-09T22:20:00.002+05:30

Overreacting: A word to be used when it's not you whose dealing with a host of insecurities

Insecurities: the things you feel when you're overreacting

US

2010-11-25T22:16:00.002+05:30

A reciprocation

A look shared

A secret joke

A naughty thought

A hug wished

A kiss missed

A warmth wanted

A hand held

A tomorrow imagined

A today enjoyed

A yesterday deleted

A frown turned around

A longing extended

2010-11-18T10:38:00.002+05:30

Everyday's a learning. Every day is new.

But at the end of everyday (so far:)) there is a happy sigh of contentment. What more can one ask for?

.....

Unlabelled

2010-11-16T10:25:00.004+05:30

I've laughed my ass off, rolled my eyes to the high heavens, turned up my nose, shrugged my shoulders, raised an eyebrow and pretty much snorted at all things corny...

But recently I've met someone who's caused me to stop and take a U-turn - well mostly. It's the thoughtfulness is what gets you. The warm, fuzzy feeling that makes you well basically total mush. But more importantly makes you grin, the dimple causing, jaw-aching grin that's can be "seen" through the telephone.

And it rubs off on you. You begin doing these small acts of sweetness, not to repay the grin, but because it feels good. You look forward to the reaction, the ooh, the aah, the awww....

And suddenly spontaneous is how you feel and obviously act, more than before. You're almost bounding about a room because you have too much energy (or so your think). And it's that unquantified feeling, the unabashed joy of sharing a moment with someone...

:) Some feelings, there are no words or labels for.

2010-11-11T14:58:00.002+05:30

There's a point when one's cynicism changes to belief. My point is now.

Overwhelming!

the dark ages

2010-10-22T17:09:00.002+05:30

There are very few times in life, when you know a relationship you've worked at developing into a cordial one moves back decades, and square one seems like a nice place to have - but that's too far away too!

2010-10-22T11:12:00.004+05:30

Don't kid yourself that you're an independent adult who makes her own decisions, lives life by her rules and does exactly what she wants in her own home.

Men will always find a way of letting you know that the world works differently - they have to live in a society with their heads held high, where they can do whatever they please and it will be understood. But your space, your life, your struggles, triumphs are a "must" and too bad if you cant get exactly what it is you want. Because that's how the world works. They hide behind relationship tags - it's because I am your..... that I am saying this, that and everything else, except support you unconditionally because your happiness is greater than all the expectations societies may have.

Hypocrites.

“Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person, hypocrisy begins.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

To be 17

2010-10-12T10:45:00.002+05:30

If you want to feel the elation of a relationship - fall in love like you're a teenager. So says one of my gyaan gurus :)

At 17 you didn't think of why, what, where is this going. You just behaved goo-goo eyed, made corny jokes and laughed at the silliest things, spontaneity ruled and time had no boundaries... you felt free to feel as much as the human experience can offer.

Then you turn 27.. (ahem...) and 10 years makes you jaded, sceptical and a non-conformist (self-proclaimed).

But every once in 10 years, you behave like your 17 year old self and wonder why you never do it all the time! Because you're definitely smiling a lot more.

2010-10-08T15:02:00.001+05:30

I just hadn't met you... yet ;)

Suddenly I saw.

2010-10-01T10:36:00.002+05:30

I might sound a bit neurotic when I say this - but cleaning out closets is so so so therapeutic. Of course most often things are dusted cleaned and neatly put back to be seen another day. Ever so often you need a manager, in this case a really good friend who will tell you - THROW that OUT!!

Fortunately this time, I did have a manager (Floozie you the best!!), because, me aka the cleaning crew was happily hoarding small scraps of memories. Most of the junk does get thrown out and suddenly you realise you're making space for more. But it's the in between - the time when you have so much space when you can begin creating those new memories.

Last year, when a close friend was literally for all practical purposes of moving to a new city - clearing out her closets (please note i said clearing and not cleaning) I couldn't comprehend how she was able to part with so many things familiar, known, cherished...

But suddenly I see... (K.T. Tunstall:)) why and it is wonderful!

2010-09-29T13:15:00.000+05:30

Love, such a silly game we play....

2010-09-27T10:19:00.002+05:30

Being "freed from the mind's prison" over a weekend's hangout with a good friend - Priceless :)

Holiday Realisations!

2010-09-19T21:46:00.002+05:30

Holidays. Now there's a word than can make anyone smile. Every time I take one, I go a little bonkers before I leave and then when I'm back I wished it never ended. But I guess everyone's like that. It's amazing when you're on holiday how life seems like an unending joyride - the number of emotions you feel on holiday are tripled. And the intensity of each is even stronger.

Every holiday should have a little bit of exploring the unknown, partying it up, hanging out with old friends, spending quality time with the family, shopping, eating and oh yes, drinking - more like guzzling!

Life should probably be more like a long holiday with work in between. How much happier would we all be!

This trip, I took a little away from each meeting, I grew up a little more, realised a lot more and let go of a whole lot. Forgetting work completely is not really possible, you see - for all reasons, purposes and well honesty I have turned into a workaholic.

But at the end of this trip I more fully realise that where I am currently in life is not necessarily where I really want to be. And now more than ever, I am open to exploring all those possibilities I should have never let go of when I had the chance.

2010-09-18T18:48:00.003+05:30

Good walls make good neighbours, and well a good many other relationships.

Currently rebuilding a lowered section.

2010-09-16T10:47:00.001+05:30

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

2010-09-08T10:30:00.001+05:30

I wonder what my dreams are trying to tell me.

The Wonder Years -1

2010-08-31T15:30:00.003+05:30

Sitting by a roadside with a garam garam chai, smoke in hand with friends, watching the world drive by, emitting air pollution by the balloon full along with our nicotine filled smoke. Discussing the first Hindi pop artists and singing the old, cheesy, songs, the latest movie in as much detail as a critic would - but our discussion has a loud burst of laughter because someone cracked a joke!

Crawling across the floor of the apartment because we're too full to think of putting in effort to stand up and walk. Stuffing our faces with junk food, just after a conversation of living a healthy existence. Starting a massage chain, which increases the sluggishness we feel. Laughing so hard that our jaws pain and our stomachs feel like muscles have begun the process of tightening!

Many a party where the passed out are strewn across rooms, with a few stragglers with the energy of demons still dancing to the beat of their own drums. Chasing the crazy drunks to go to sleep for they run out to gather aloe vera for their sick friends - the intention is great, but the timing is another thing all together. Then there were all those cabbages presented!

Getting together to write a play. Director, actors and spot girls are from the limited group of 6 people. The props are made of paper and the dialogue no one knows. Somehow a video was made and is floating in the big wide universe. Still saying the dialogue like a pro. Haroooh!

Just Peachy

2010-08-30T17:42:00.004+05:30

What's the whole venus v/s mars thing. Until a day ago, I was not really one to believe in it . But now, for some reason it has become even more apparent. What is it about being in the quarter life period that makes everything become more about rationality, caution and baby steps?

Progression in a situation, is working the other way round. You meet someone, you get to know them and show an interest, not a definitive interest mind you. That will spell doom, danger and ten quick paces to the back of beyond. Whatever happened to knowing if you were "just friends" or "more than just friends"? Past 25 do we forget that feeling of just letting go? How jaded is jaded at 30?

But then there is also THIS. This, as in this whole over analysis, over dramatization of a situation one has no clue about and no control over. This feeling of not knowing, gnaws at us. Today, a friend shared an article on Masanobu Fukuoka's belief on minimal interference "Do nothing". Of course its more about nature and agriculture. But I am sure as all great beliefs it can transcend into just living.

In the words of another great master, Oogway: "Ah, yes. But no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach." (Kung fu Panda the movie).

So if all I can do is sow a seed and nurture it to grow into a fruit bearing tree, isnt that just peachy!! :)

Plodding along.

2010-08-20T20:27:00.003+05:30

Stress can bring out the demon within and with the kind I've been under, I've seen a whole army of them march out. But then I've also seen the silent patience to trod along under it all, to not give up, to purse my lips and walk on stubborn as I've always been (its called perseverance here, not stubbornness). And I always wonder why I've never just given up and said chuck it.

Well my family and friends are probably the biggest reasons why, or else they'll kick my ass or egg me on when I feel like I'm running low on all things positive. But more importantly, it's because somewhere inside - I know. I know that this whole stressful ball of ugh! is going to go away and it will be replaced by a more amicable, pleasant and hopefully extremely happy situation.

So I plod. I plod and plod, till the thought in my head in nothing but one of this happy vision.

And the sun does shine, and the butterflies and dragonflies do flutter to and fro, and I do sing a happy song on my way to anywhere, and I do grin silly at anyone in my line of sight, and it's another day where I learn that I'm stronger, braver, hopefully smarter than the last.

Calling out to the Universe

2010-08-04T10:48:00.004+05:30

Right now, I need all the luck the universe can throw at me. I feel like I'm pulling in all my I.O.Us from the big blobby world. There are points of time you know there is one way or another and the choice you make will make a huge difference in your tomorrow. For me, I am at such a point in time.

Blah!

2010-07-28T16:33:00.002+05:30

I don't think this being the responsible adult thing is really working out for me. I think I prefer the innocent babe, petulant child, the rebellious teenager and the noisy adolescent.

Sometimes I wish life were a multiple choice question test.

2010-07-23T13:43:00.001+05:30

ooh ooh.. just discovered a world of possibility on the new designer templates.. am going crazy. Happy crazy!

Happy Singh!

2010-07-22T16:53:00.002+05:30

I can be annoyingly positive. One minute, I'm down in the dumps and next minute, I'm spouting all things happy and cheerful. I dont know where it comes from. I say, annoyingly, because most of my friends (N, D, J, S you know who you are....) are telling me that all that positivity is down right annoying. And this poem by Shel Silverstein reminds me of the whole annoyingly happy me thing.

THE LAND OF HAPPY

Have you been to The Land of Happy,
where everyone’s happy all day,
where they joke and they sing
of the happiest things,
and everyone’s jolly and gay?
There’s no one unhappy in Happy,
there’s laughter and smiles galore.
I have been to The Land of Happy—
What a bore!

Spontaneous? I dont THINK so.

2010-07-15T16:41:00.003+05:30

Is life too short? and if so and if that thought is all pervading in my mind - living life to the fullest is my top priority. Most of the time, I forget each second passing by is time lost and I am not sure if I'm spending it doing exactly what I want to do.

A sudden hospital emergency of someone I love dearly, brought me back to ground zero. What is it about life and its fragility. Here today - tomorrow, who knows. Honestly, I know somewhere in the hustle-bustle of everyday work and existence I will forget this niggling feeling that life - my life's passing me by. It's full of things, I am not sure I love.

The moment I experience a moment where I think I'm wasting my time doing things I think I should be doing, as opposed to all those things I so desperately imagined myself doing, and now only wistfully imagine them - like some far away dream. Fading away a little more every day, as a frivolous thought or so says my increasingly rational mind.

I crave for crazy and still dont know the last time I did something just because it felt right and I couldnt care about the next moment.

Taking these ten minutes to write this down, has probably been the most spontaneous I've been in a long time.

2010-07-14T13:44:00.002+05:30

I want the exhaustion to go away. I am tired of being tired. If it's not one situation/problem/issue that has to be handled, its two or three. I dont think I am liking this growing up bit at all.

My School Song

2010-07-06T14:43:00.002+05:30

Strong in our hearts, is a deep undying spirit

Loyal and true to the school above all schools.

Where, through the hours, and the days, and the years.

Always as one, we’ve been taught to love her rules.

Waverley reaching up to the sky, her girls will always strive and try

To keep her banner flying high – till we leave her portals by and by.

Here in our school, in this citadel of knowledge

We are taught to excel in all we do

Guided by those who defend high ideals, we love our school, our alma mater true.

Waverley reaching up to the sky, her girls will always strive and try

To keep her banner flying high – till we leave her portals by and by.

I met one of my teacher's recently and a catch-up session reminded me of my school days and what they mean to me.

Devil's in my details.

2010-06-29T16:21:00.003+05:30

If you know me, you know I love details. When I talk, excitedly I want to make sure you know exactly what I'm thinking, or have experienced. That's what I do. And very often the people I share with aren't the most share-y kinds either. Tight-lipped, vague and very, very private individuals (nothing against it - just sharing..:)).

And every now and then I come across a situation, where I learn about things from random events - not from the person and I wonder - why do I bother sharing?? Why?

The fact that the question why is just too taxing, leads me to say *fk it* - just because I do it, doesn't mean they have to!

And just like that - I continue to be detailed!

Randomness – my state of mind.

2010-06-10T15:37:00.003+05:30

Ever feel like somehow you’re a tourist in a labyrinth and you’ve lost the tour group you were with and it’s almost closing time? And... you don’t know the way out because there are no signs.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now! Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now!!...

.... and I wonder if I ever crossed your mind.

Excerpts from Lady Antebellum’s song, Need you now.

Drunken phone calls, who hasn’t made them… it’s when your brain is in a state of complete freedom from all expectations and you call that one person who plays on your mind most often and you wish you’d say all those things to them that you wouldn’t under normal circumstances. And they don’t pick up – so it stays in your head!

Running around in circles. Think Karma’s having some fun with you!

Miss everyone who’s not there and the record in your head’s stuck on the repeat mode of all the ‘together’ times, and you want to move but can’t.

Found your soul mate and you both know what you mean to each other!

How to lose a guy - the guidebook to eternal singledom

2010-06-02T11:11:00.010+05:30

I've been out of the dating scene so long that I dont know what it's supposed to be like. I assumed, I am to be me. But no, you cant, you see the other person's judging every move you make, everything you say and you're doing the same - except you're not in his shoes and your high heels might give him a backache.

Many conversations with women in the 25+ age group have brought me to a list of rules, and surprise, surprise so far I haven't followed a single one. Is that why I am single? Who knows? But here they are...

1. If you are asked whether you want to go out for a drive, a long walk etc. the first time around - Say No.

Dont bob your head excitedly at the thought of a fun drive, watching the world go by and getting to know the guy. He's probably thinking - wow that was easy. You're probably thinking - hmm it'll get us out of this coffee shop and into a slightly more relaxed frame of mind, where we can talk. BS. Just say NO.

2. Text, email - NO smileys!!

When I heard this one, i rolled my eyes all the way back into my head and kept doing it. No smileys???!! who doesnt send those cutiepie emoticons which convey so much more than your wonky toothed grin!

3. Don't explain if you say No.

I like explanations they make life simpler, don't you think? The other person is not left to their overactive imagination, torturing themselves over why? And well when he says no, you can ask why or rather hope he'll share the reason too. Don't hold your breath about it, you'll probably be blue in a couple of minutes and a mummy (the egyptian kinds) by the time he decides he wants to tell you the reason.

4. When he smses, emails - take your time (a minimum of an hour and half) to get back to him.

Why be a part of generation X, technology and all that? I might as well continue snail mail if this is true. He'll probably be way, way more interested then.. lol. All that laila majnu stuff probably worked for this reason..

5. Be pre-occupied, busy, etc. don't go tell him you have nothing to do and are free as a bird to go on a date, chat, hang out.

Well why?? If I am just watching re-runs of SATC and eating a tub of ice-cream, why cant i go out with a cute guy, watch any movie, have a little fun?! Stuck up rule makers!

6. Don't reveal anything personal.

Umm.. my name is Karnavati, I live in Kunnur on a coffee estate??? Yes, yes I know what they mean by it, but come on really - the whole share personal thing is two ways and if someone's sharing there's an automatic comfort level to share as well. Its a natural thing that happens. Not everyone can do Saas bhi kabhi bahu style drama with secrets and hidden stories of the past.

7. Don't go beyond a kiss.

Ok. The sexual revolution didn't happen. It was a figment of everyone's imagination. Half the couples that exist today broke this rule. So really, really... And please note, it doesnt have a timeline. I understand a timeline, it gives it context, reason... this has none. Celibacy is a not an option, no matter what the aptitude test you took says.

8. Be Sooper cool!

Ya right, for the first weeks (ok maybe months) its do-able, but what then what about clumsy, awkward, lazy? Doesn't everyday life come about sometime? Ok maybe not in the first month, you dont want him/her to see you with morning hair, or post work hair with your eyes glazed over and your skin clogged with the pollution from the road. Being sooper cool isnt everyone's style.

9. No info exchange - no emails, no music, dont add them on FB or any other social networking site.

Might as well be in the dark ages. Well it might be a good idea to hold on just in case he's going to dump you and then you wonder why you made all that effort!! (I'll probably take this advice).

10. Dont introduce to your friends.

Well not until you're sure a 100% because really then you have to explain to too many people, too many things and wonder how you ended up having to do all this explaining who left whom and why and when and what an ass****.

The rules may apply to you or not. All I know, is that so far I've not bothered with a single one. I go by my gut. I do how I feel in that moment and hope that the other person enjoys spending time with me and vice versa. My non conformist attitude may not have helped me move from the single box, but I don't give up. There'll be someone who'll want me non-conformist and all and that's good enough for me. (Maybe until I'm 30, then i'll begin trying the rules.. :)

PS: Obviously this is very one gender-sided. So boys if you have anything to say, please feel free.

The Candy Shop

2010-06-01T19:53:00.010+05:30

As I am trying to figure out the next phase in life or actually just go through the next phase in life I seek inspiration from what I see around. People who have the courage to take that next step no matter how scary it may be and I also see people for whom the next step means making hard decisions - scary as hell!

And I wonder if this thought goes through their minds - "Is it worth it?" I bet it does. I bet that's the first question we ask ourselves. What is worth is different to everyone. For some its peace of mind, for some its security, for some its companionship, and then some...

What does it come down to? That crucial micro second when our brain makes a choice. right or left, up or down, in or out, yes or no.

I think that I have not yet come to that crucial point where there is one or the other. Right now, its like I am in a candy shop - the choices seem endless and I want a little of everything. A little of every experience - yes some bring grins, some bring tears, but I dont want to ever regret not trying it all (or as much as possible).

I want to know that when I am at the crucial point and I make that decision - it will be one I stick to through thick and thin.

So if its going to be gum balls for the rest of my life, then gum balls it is - they do have the most variety in flavours.

...But then there's the dark chocolate, which is well decadent, sinful and all of yum!

Sigh! Must I decide?

The Weather Report

2010-05-26T16:57:00.005+05:30

So with my latest attempt, actually first attempt in a very long time. I was left feeling down and out and full of drama, angst and all other things that make life interesting, but leave you feeling a bit blah. I was stuck in the - oh why, oh why! And sometimes all you need is another blogger (Courtesy N http://27dressesincleveland.blogspot.com/) writing about your/her angst in the most happy, carefree and so? shi* happens way!!

And you realise - uhuh! it does. And you were being a complete gooblegook about it. And yes all those thoughts about - why try at all??? do fly out the window.

This is a just a word of advice to men out there who are dating or even women for that matter - Don't be vague. Say exactly what you want so that the other person isn't left feeling with a cloud of questions!

But ya, those of you who've been left with the cloud of questions - enjoy the rain, eat some hot samosas, with chai, curl up with a good book or movie or go for a walk in the rain - the options are endless!

If.

2010-05-24T15:10:00.004+05:30

If.

Such a useful word. So much room for interpretation. The first time I realised it's value was when I was learning programming in BASICS in school. The IF THEN ELSE programme.

If a=b then b=c, else run for your life! something like that.

The realisation that as a word, it is invaluable to the English language occurred much later on in life. When the difference between:

I will do this, if ...

and simply - I will do this..

was as vast and often more profitable than a sentence, paragraph or a simple expression without the beautiful two-alphabet word.

Then there's the very vague - If, you like. It's vague but when put in a situation where you've asked a person to choose. Without being obvious, it says - Not really, if you like.

If, I were a or If only ... lets you dream that which may not necessarily be round the corner or even round the century.

Somehow this small word leaves room for much vagueness, dreams, space.

Customer Care - ha ha! Right!

2010-05-17T20:50:00.004+05:30

I wonder whatever happened to "Customer is King/Queen". Apparently we're not. We are minions, slaves to the various whims and fancies and conditions put in the tiny lettering not in the bottom or upper half of the terms of service. We are no longer 'kings or queens' of any kind. We are at best individuals who have to deal with bad services through call centre customer care executives. They will announce to you that they are going to probably record this call for training purposes.. well go ahead record this.. beep beep beep!!!
Whatever happened to actually doing something about a complaint? why have a complaint cell if all they tell you that it's your fault!
So much for yonks of loyalty.

To the WoW

2010-05-17T14:44:00.000+05:30

This is to my Weirdos! I miss the days, the songs, the craziness and Mariah in her cut-offs!! lol.

Family!

2010-05-13T16:16:00.001+05:30

Every now and then I get to meet the extended family. The long laughing sessions, gossiping, sharing, crying, passing out (with the family all around you), being hugged by every possible person (twice sometimes), telling the same story more than you care to remember (you actually begin summarising!), getting the updates.

Family reunions, weddings etc are a fast track to connect. It doesnt matter if you havent met for over 2 years. They're all still the same, make pretty much the same jokes, taking the case of the latest one who's "bitten the dust"!!! and god help those who are "supposed to be next". You make new connections, strengthen or get over the older ones.

Its just 5 days with them and you feel like its been forever. You wish it were like this more often. But then reality brings you back - puts you on a bus back to Ahmedabad!

It.

2010-05-01T10:49:00.001+05:30

I don’t know how it happened. I wasn’t really looking for it to happen. Everyone told me these things happen suddenly and I never really paid them much attention. It took a bit of intervention and that’s all that is needed sometimes – a nudge.

It feels like it’s more time than it actually is. It feels like there wasn’t a time it wasn’t there. It’s fit into the everyday schedule of things without pushing it around too much. It’s made a space for itself somehow – a tinsy little spot, but nonetheless its there.

The excitement of this discovery sometimes makes me stop and wonder whether its really happening or is it me just dreaming? Imagining it in my completely over the top imagination? But it’s not. Its really there!

The struggle is to create a balance, to make sure I am not completely overwhelmed, lost or bowled over by it. To keep myself grounded, real.

Where did the time go? How did I get through that? It’s like staring back at the years gone by wondering how you spent so much time thinking that they would eat you up whole with their enormity. They didn’t eat you up (Not for lack of trying). They mellowed you, made you more cautious, more vulnerable and yet stronger in ways you never thought possible. They shaped your feelings, thoughts and experiences in such a way that they made you ready for it.
And then here you are and its happened to you and all you can do is smile without a hint of regret, with an irreplaceable patience – just waiting for it to see you through.

Murphy you !@@$%#

2010-04-22T14:24:00.002+05:30

I didnt have an everyday update last year. No special news to share, no juicy bit of gossip to fill anyone's ear. Now I do, but I have no one to listen to all the tid-bits within hours of them happening. I have to fill my reducing RAM (random access memory) with as much as I can until I get a chance to spill it in one long conversation, and needless to say it happens over the phone with the various people whom I JUST HAVE TO TELL ALL TO, I forget little bits here and there.

And the phone, well it doesn't let you see their faces, the grins, hug them or be hugged back and its just not the same!

You have to hope that the time when you actually are face to face all these stories of your interesting times will still be stored away somewhere for retrieval.

Long-distance - I hate it!

And when I finally get some interesting stories to share - go figure! It's that fool Murphy who came up with this one too I bet.

Murphy's Law No. XXXL: Just when your life gets interesting, those interested in knowing about it move away to some southern state (read N and J) and you will always miss each other's phone calls because life's too busy (the rest of the time).

Conclusion: I don't like Murphy at all!!!

hmm?

2010-04-20T17:21:00.002+05:30

The average 'hmm' is my arch nemesis. I don't understand it at all in a conversation. It is used to throw me off balance, which it manages magnificently. Over a period of time I fooled myself in to believing that I could decipher its deep and hidden meaning. I can't, I don't try any more.

2010-04-14T00:40:00.003+05:30

It is unfortunate that no one knows how long it takes to like a person enough. And by enough, I mean, enough to be ok with everything about the person and be willing to be accepting of - the good, the bad and the ugly.

Some tell me - all in good time. Pretty useless advice, because what is good time? Because isn't good time going to be decided by the person/people in the situation?

Others tell me - that in the first 5 minutes of meeting the individual, we make up our minds whether we will enter into any form of a relationship with them and that becomes the foundation for everything else to come. But what if the other individual takes way more than those 5 minutes - what then???

2010-04-14T00:26:00.003+05:30

When you're scared, chances are you know how well you can deal with the fear and then you deal with it - in your own way of course. Fight or Flight!

But what do you do when the fear is not your own - what do you do, when you see the caution in the other person's face, the hesitation, the control?

Is there an infallible solution?

Is it time and space? And if so, how much?

The first 5 seconds of discomfort.

2010-04-07T10:08:00.003+05:30

Meeting someone for the first time. Its curiosity that takes over. This other person who is looking right back at you, trying to read your face, body language and whatever else they can - while you do the same.

You relax after the first five minutes and then are comfortable with the momentum. From then on, you don't want to stop the conversation, don't want to say goodnight, don't want to take the U-turn to go home.

It's an amazing feeling and its been a really long time since I was willing to fore go hours of sleep, a bleary eyed (but very happy) morning, just for 5 more minutes that lasted for at least an hour.

2010-03-29T15:38:00.004+05:30

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Meeting the ....

2010-03-17T18:02:00.003+05:30

Meeting expectations. No matter what you do, you will always have to meet expectations. In my current situation, its about settling down. Its never been something actively that has been undertaken by my family or anyone so far, so I've never bothered much either. Suddenly as if awoken from a deep slumber, they're on active mode! It's always been a topic of conversation, we should do something...

And me smarti pants...of course, why not? go ahead. They never did before, so this time around, I figured, they wouldnt do it. Man! was I wrong?????!! Now its like the aunts are in too, send your profile - Profile? What profile?? Send pics - what for? My CV? Why in heaven's name do you want my CV?? And just like that - I'd rather be out of this.

I don't know anyone in my family who's undergone an arranged marriage, so it's strange. But I realise, I am not opposed to the idea. Its just that at this moment in life I am not jumping to get hitched - someday maybe. I've always been a romantic at heart. Falling in love, according to me is the most natural thing in the world - its supposed to happen that way. But then according to me, my life should've been a certain way too. Chuck according to me - trying something new may just be the way to go. Right? right?